Note To Self| Rejection or Redirection

It all started with complete utter shock in the break room full of people too busy to notice the shock of the words my boss just uttered. Public was this place out in the open for anyone to hear, vulnerable, exposed and emotions creeping to the surface of my “stiff British upper lip” face. Rejection screamed at me from all directions, something I felt for a few months leading up to this point, but now hard to ignore at the moment. I had been a contractor for this company for six n’ half months, yet as my boss kept explaining about why I was not going to converted to permanent employee in the near future, felt rejection with each excuse slapping me across the face. But the rejection didn’t ended there. Over the next month the wound kept being opened further by learning the contract I was on would not be extended and then the company turning around and hire another contractor to take my place was an insult to injury. Truth is, if I was still in my twenties I would be messed up for days over this, yet at thirty-something, rejection has become another redirection, painful, but a redirection.

Why does rejection hurt so much?

A question we ask ourselves when we are sitting on the floor eating ice cream out of the container feeling shitty and out of control. The hurt is deep-I won’t deny that- it hurts because deep down it hits us where we are the most vulnerable, our brain’s emotional intelligence side. It hits our soul like a sucker punch. Its as if the something or someone is taking our power away from us, and you are battling them to keep it.

To give more perspective of how rejection has hurt me so much, this is the following rejections have had an impact on my life.

  • Rejected from my three top choice universities I wanted to attend. I applied to University of Washington six times before giving up.
  • Rejected from the company I eventually contracted at five times before being accepted as a contractor, and then rejected one last time.
  • Rejected from many job openings I had applied to, and interviewed from various companies and labs.
  • Rejected from guys I have dated, friends, family, etc. for various reasons.

Now looking back I can safely say each rejection turned out to be a redirection.

What if rejection really is a redirection?

Lysa Terkeurst’s book Uninvited, Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely, talks about how rejection at times can be you being set apart instead of set aside.

To be set aside is to be rejected. To be set apart is to be given an assignment that requires preparation.

Lysa Terkeurst

When confronted with rejection, I now think of it as redirection to something much better then what I was rejected for. Being set apart means redirection. Being set apart allows you to take back control and the power for you to move on from the rejection.

How does rejection turn into redirection?

This is how we take back control from something or someone that was never meant to have it in the first place and redirect ourselves in another direction.

One rejection is not a projection of future failures.

Nor is several for the matter. Each rejection does not project what the future holds for you. If you keep thinking with each rejection you are a failure, you are giving away your power to create the life you want to live. Failures as redirections as well.

Rejection doesn’t label you.

Rejection enables you to adjust and move on. Label you put on yourself determines the outlook you have in life. You can be realist and see rejection as a natural part of life, and adjust according. Or you can pessimistic view of things where you see life through the lens of rejection and putting negative labels on one’s self. As a scientist, I have seen countless other scientists with a pessimistic view of things. This view only compounds the hurt from inside and out. By replacing the labels we put on ourselves when rejected, we have positive outcome in the rejection.

This could be an invitation to live in expectation of something else.

The job you where rejected from opened the door to the job position you never expected you would love. The relationship that ended lead you to rediscovering yourself and in the process lead you to the person you will spend the rest of your life with. I can go on. Disappointments today will lead you to places you never could have dream of.

There is some element of protection wrapped in every rejection.

You may think how can rejection be protecting me? Some times the protection is to protect you from further pain down the road. Rejection as a road block keeping you from driving into danger. Embrace it.

There is much more to you than the part that was rejected.

This maybe cliche, but every time someone/or you judges someone you reveal a part of themselves/ yourself that needs healing. The age old truth is people peck the juiciest fruit because they cannot be the juiciest fruit.

What one person sees as your liability, another might see as a wonderful asset.

Rejection doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough; it means the other person failed to notice what you have to offer.

Unknown

People’s judgement of you reflects their insecurities and they care more about themselves. The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment to absolutely and utterly walk away. Walking away is rejection, but it is a response to another person’s rejection by allowing you to step forward towards those who know your worth, sees your worth, and treats you as an asset.

Short term setback is not a permanent condition.

The come back is always stronger than the setback. ALWAYS.

Don’t let this destroy you.

Never give someone or something power over you enough to destroy you. You may feel destroyed, but you are not. If a gallon of ice cream is your shield, let it be the shield. If you need to cry, scream, or get away do it. Rejection is painful, it hurts, it takes a lot out of you, but one thing is, rejection does not physically or mentally kill you. Really it gives you the sword to deliver the fetal blows.

Let this breaking actually be the making of you.

The breaking of you allows the good things to some into your life to make you stronger before the break. Telling my boss I was bowing out of the company gracefully after failed internal interviews with other hiring managers at the company, it allowed me to rebuild and move forward to a better position.

Use this rejection in good ways to make you stronger and take your further.

After my meeting with my boss I had the courage to let myself be set apart instead of set aside. I had for a long time gone up against a wall that would not give, and crashing into it I became stronger to move on from a company that repeatedly rejected me as I worked there. When I almost submitted a resume for another position outside the group I was in, I was reminded of Carrie Underwood’s song Wasted.

For one split second she almost turned around, but that would be like pouring rain drops back into a cloud, so she took another step and said I see away out, I’m gonna take it.

Carrie Underwood (Song: Wasted)

Bowing out gracefully is taking a step towards the the way out, and rejection allows you to take the steps forward instead back into what hurts.

For all the rejections above I have had, these are the redirected outcomes:

  • I ended up going to a small university and graduated a year -half earlier.
  • Became FTE at more than one company
  • Worked at some unexpected companies in biotech and been a part of some life changing treatments in cancer.
  • Went to some amazing places and met people I never expected.

Truth is, I need to be reminded with every rejection is a redirection towards something much better. Note to self: rejection is another redirection.

Note To Self: Stop Trying To Be Everything

Being healthy is to overall focus on myself for once. After going a few months at work eating my lunch at my desk almost everyday or having lunch cut short, taking my work home every night and weekends at the expense of my sanity. No wonder at the beginning of March I was knocked out by a cold. While taking a sick day, I realized as I went in and out of sleeping, I needed to stop feeling guilty for taking care of myself.

I have this habit of trying to be everything and doing everything for everyone. Maybe it has to do with being a women, or the competitiveness of society, or just social media making me feel like crap. Either way it seems like an endless cycle of trying to be everything; perfect friend/girlfriend/employee/daughter/Christian, staying busy all the time, staying fit, eating healthy, trying not to loose your sh!t at small things and large things, keeping a smile on your face, etc….the list goes on. In this modern society we have created a mindset that if we are not doing what needs to be done and being productive 100%, that we are being selfish, lazy, or worst, weak. It’s an unhealthy mindset which leads to burn out, depression, anxiety and host of other issues. Not to mention how tiring it all has become.

It has been tiring to the point of exhaustion-I’m exhausted. Isn’t it tiring trying to be perfect all the time? Exhausted trying to be everything without taking a break to focus on ourselves and our mental health.

For years I swept my feelings and issues under the rug, ignoring them and replacing them with unhealthy copping mechanisms. Always turned out miserable, feeling horrible all the time and left as a hallow out shell. After reading Becca Risa Luna’s post on this very topic, her advice was simple, taking care of yourself is work that needs to be done too. Work which you do not sweep feelings, issues, and health under the rug just to keep others happy or to be perfect.

A part of being healthy is to commit to being healthy mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Just by realizing this, you are more capable than you give yourself credit for is a part of taking care of one’s self. Giving yourself permission to take a break for as long as you need, to not control everything around you, to set limits, boundaries, and just live in the moment doing what makes you feel nurtured. Give yourself credit for just being, for living, and for once taking care of yourself. Taking care of yourself is work needing to be done too. You don’t need to be everything to everyone, you just need to be you. There is nothing selfish or lazy about needing to be yourself and taking care of yourself in the process. No need to be perfect for everyone.

As I continue into the next month, I’m still reminding myself this simple basic rule; taking care of yourself is work needing to be done too. Giving myself credit for being, for living, and taking care of myself at times first. Even if it is to simply read a novel while hiding from the world for a day or two.

Valentine’s Day Six Years Later|Forgiveness

I came across the first blog post I wrote for this blog (Life Must Moving On-2012) while cleaning up a few blog posts. Last year I celebrated six years with WordPress and little by little this blog post was pushed in a dark corner of my blog’s filing cabinet not seen daylight for five years. A dark place really for a post full of hurt and pain. Moving on from any relationship is hard, let alone a dark sinister one filled with violence. Dating violence, domestic violence, and any form of violence have a lasting impact on someone’s life for years. Sometimes it takes a long time to fully heal from the damage someone inflicts upon you.

In the past few years, I have started to tell bits and pieces of my story, a story when played out in spoken words has an impact I never expected. See some of us who have been through it really don’t talk about it, instead choose to move forward to what the future holds for us and one day when we have an unguarded moment, we talk. I find myself only talking when I am confronted with it from another person’s life story I either read, heard or saw first hand. All the while keeping from deflecting my experiences on to the other person. It takes a lot of strength to not fall apart when helping a fellow person who is going through abuse. This strength could only come from forgiveness of my own experience.

It does take a lot to forgive someone who has done an unspeakable thing to you. Especially when they have moved on with their lives knowing well what they had done. Yet, in order for anyone to move on, you do have to forgive the person, not say it never happened, but more for yourself to move on into the future you want for yourself. By allowing forgiveness to lead you to the person(s) who would never dream of hurting you like the other person did, you start the process of healing fully.

For me, it took a long road to fully heal and to finally say I forgive them fully. It took a trip to Tanzania with Northwest University/Convoy of Hope, two positions in biotech, going back to school to finish what I started before them, finding the real true friends and family who would walk every painful step towards healing. In six years I have rebuilt my life, what it took one person to destroy in two years. In those six years, Jesus and many people along the road came through many times to get me to where I am today. Most of all to the men I dated after who even when the relationship did not work out, taught me love does not destroy another person but strengthens them to a better person than before.

Never again will I justify the scars just because I loved the person holding the knife. - Steve Maraboli

Valentine’s day is about love, but for some, the day is about love through forgiveness of one’s self and forgiveness for another person’s false love. To me, Valentine’s day is about freeing myself from abuse disguising as love, and the ultimate act of love, forgiveness.

I have said this countless time to people before,

I was a victim, then a survivor, now I am thriving!

I no longer am a victim to the pain of someone’s actions long ago anymore!

Which Way Is Your Deck Chair Facing?

charlie-brown-cruise-ship

Which way is your deck chair facing?

I came across this little comic while cleaning out paper piled up over the past year. Little bits and pieces shoved in file folders, hence this comic, told the small story of what has transpired in 2018. Some of these pieces of paper showed where my “deck” chair was pointed. Every year I have blogged, I always look back on what happened in the year (What A Year It Has Been) and thought about the lesson or experiences I have encountered. Yet where was my deck chair facing? Was it facing backward instead of forwards?

I remember last year as I was riding the ferry all over the Puget Sound, I always found myself at the back of the boat as the ferry pulled away saying goodbye, but as the boat headed toward the new destination, it was in the front ready to greet whatever was to come once I stepped off the boat. Then there were times I was at the front of the boat looking at the horizon the whole time. The horizon the future, the port left the past.

The song Auld Lang Syne comes to mind around New Year’s Eve.

Should Old Acquaintance be forgot,
and never thought upon;
The flames of Love extinguished,
and fully past and gone:
Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold,
that loving Breast of thine;
That thou canst never once reflect
On old long syne.

The song is often used as symbolism to endings/new beginnings. New Year means new beginnings, hope for the future, hope for an answer long overdue, or a long waited for a goodbye to the past. Saying goodbye to the past year in the Scottish tradition reminds us to not have the past keep holding us back. Make a decision which way you want to greet the new year.

Yet the wax eloquent of Lucy’s statement to Charlie Brown hits into a deep recess of those of us who find ourselves standing one foot in the past and another foot in the future. You could say our deck chair is neither in one direction nor our cruise ship out of port.

telescope in front of body of water
Photo by allows the happiest face on Pexels.com

The deck chair facing which direction indicates where you want to go in life. Where you want to go this year. Facing the bow towards the future? Facing the stern towards the past? Or does the chair face in another direction? Is the new year a new beginning or is it an ending?  The deck chair is the decision we all must make about the new year ahead of us.

On the cruise ship of life, pull up a deck chair and decided in 2019 which way your deck chair is going to be facing. Where it is facing is where your year is going to go.