Valentine’s Day Six Years Later|Forgiveness

I came across the first blog post I wrote for this blog (Life Must Moving On-2012) while cleaning up a few blog posts. Last year I celebrated six years with WordPress and little by little this blog post was pushed in a dark corner of my blog’s filing cabinet not seen daylight for five years. A dark place really for a post full of hurt and pain. Moving on from any relationship is hard, let alone a dark sinister one filled with violence. Dating violence, domestic violence, and any form of violence have a lasting impact on someone’s life for years. Sometimes it takes a long time to fully heal from the damage someone inflicts upon you.

In the past few years, I have started to tell bits and pieces of my story, a story when played out in spoken words has an impact I never expected. See some of us who have been through it really don’t talk about it, instead choose to move forward to what the future holds for us and one day when we have an unguarded moment, we talk. I find myself only talking when I am confronted with it from another person’s life story I either read, heard or saw first hand. All the while keeping from deflecting my experiences on to the other person. It takes a lot of strength to not fall apart when helping a fellow person who is going through abuse. This strength could only come from forgiveness of my own experience.

It does take a lot to forgive someone who has done an unspeakable thing to you. Especially when they have moved on with their lives knowing well what they had done. Yet, in order for anyone to move on, you do have to forgive the person, not say it never happened, but more for yourself to move on into the future you want for yourself. By allowing forgiveness to lead you to the person(s) who would never dream of hurting you like the other person did, you start the process of healing fully.

For me, it took a long road to fully heal and to finally say I forgive them fully. It took a trip to Tanzania with Northwest University/Convoy of Hope, two positions in biotech, going back to school to finish what I started before them, finding the real true friends and family who would walk every painful step towards healing. In six years I have rebuilt my life, what it took one person to destroy in two years. In those six years, Jesus and many people along the road came through many times to get me to where I am today. Most of all to the men I dated after who even when the relationship did not work out, taught me love does not destroy another person but strengthens them to a better person than before.

Never again will I justify the scars just because I loved the person holding the knife. - Steve Maraboli

Valentine’s day is about love, but for some, the day is about love through forgiveness of one’s self and forgiveness for another person’s false love. To me, Valentine’s day is about freeing myself from abuse disguising as love, and the ultimate act of love, forgiveness.

I have said this countless time to people before,

I was a victim, then a survivor, now I am thriving!

I no longer am a victim to the pain of someone’s actions long ago anymore!

Thank You, Next..

Thought I’d end up with Dennis, but he wasn’t a match. Wrote some songs about John, now I listen and laugh. Even almost got married and for Andrew, I’m so thankful. Wish I could say “thank you” to Michael cause he was an angel.

One Taught Me Love

One Taught Me Patience

One Taught Me Pain

Now I’m so amazing. I’ve loved and I’ve lost, but that is not what I see.

So Look What I Got

  • Finished a bachelors degree in biology
  • Traveled to amazing places around the world
  • Gained amazing and wonderful friends in the process
  • Made my way back to Jesus.
  • Grew from the drama
  • Accomplished dreams and goals

Look What You Taught Me

  • To be stronger with the healing
  • Love is a verb
  • I have dreams worth pursuing
  • Some people come into your life to teach you to let go.
  • There is nothing wrong with who I am
  • Still loveable even if broken by someone else
  • Let of the fear of striking out – the game of baseball
  • New hobbies I never knew I enjoy.
  • How to be single and love it.

And for that, I say thank you, next. I’m so grateful for my exes.

I spend more time with my friends, I ain’t worried about nothing. Plus I met someone, we have better discussions, but this is going to last. He taught me love, he taught me patience, and how he handles pain, that sh!t is amazing. But that is not what I see, cause look what I’ve found. No need to search for love the old ways.

I’m grateful for my exes, thank you next.

One day I’ll walk down the aisle holding hands with my Dad. I’ll be thankful my Dad for helping me grow from all the drama. Only want to do it once real bad. Going to make it last. God forbid something should happen. Going to last.

I have so much love, have so much patience. I’ve learned from the pain. I turned out amazing because of it. I’ve loved and I’ve lost, but that’s not what I see. Cause look what I have found.

For that, I say thank you, next. Thank you to my exes for letting me go to find something better.

When this song came out I felt the validation in what I have been telling myself over the years. Every heartbreak, every moment I accomplished something I have dreamt of finally coming to reality. But mostly the song shows how far I have come in finding the one who one day come along and stay my life. To those who are still searching for love or yet to find love, the journey is full of heartbreak, beauty and unexpected moments that will shape you into who you are meant to be. In the end the one person who is meant to stay in your life may it be a guy or a girl, will be thankful for all your exes because this person will have the best you. Love is a verb. Love happens when you love others as well as yourself.

Thank You, Next by Ariana Grande. Original song lyrics by Ariana Grande with altered lyrics by me.